EPHEMERA
If your take is “oof, bad luck,” instead of “ugh, systemic issues,” your fat friends would like a word. (You have those, right?)
Michelle Weber
no. 6, The Fat Issue
Spring 2022
Match the weight-loss method to the age at which
I undertook or was forced to undertake it.
SlimFast
Weight Watchers
1100-calories-a-day
Jenny Craig
Chemotherapy
Pritkin Diet
South Beach Diet
Bribery ($5 per pound lost)
Bribery ($10 per pound lost)
18
12
27
11
15
8
13
17
10
True or False: Patients undergoing chemotherapy are
buoyed when you tell them their weight loss is a silver
lining of cancer treatment.
T
F
WTF
Put my weights in order to reflect my
yo-yo dieting from ages 21 to 41.
279 311 334 191 241 212 257
On a scale of 1 (finely-tuned machine) to 10 (pile of flaming garbage), estimate the efficiency of my metabolism today.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
What kind of doctor once told me that a benefit of weight loss was that my husband would be happier?
General Practitioner
Hematologist
Gynecologist
Psychologist
Oncologist
Sports Medicine Specialist
On average, how many times do I visit a doctor before receiving an accurate diagnosis and care for my actual problem rather than being told I should try losing weight?
One
Three
Five
Seven
Trick question! You never go to the doctor.
At what age will I probably die of a treatable
ailment, either because of misdiagnosis or my refusal to subject myself to the pointlessness of doctors’ visits?
49
55
61
68
74
Where will my therapists be able to retire based on the fees I have paid them over my lifetime in an effort to stop hating myself? Choose all that apply.
Miami
Seychelles
Palm Springs
Monaco
Bora Bora
How many times has improved self-love resulted
in better treatment from a doctor?
Zero point zero. None. Zilch. Goose egg.
What could I have done with all that money instead?
Bought a home.
Bought a private island.
Paid off the student loans of everyone named Michelle.
Hired The Bangles to play at my birthday party every year.
Bribed an ER physician to pretend like I’m thin.
1. 1100 Calories, age 8; $5 Bribes, age 10; SlimFast, age 11; Weight Watchers, age 12; Pritkin, age 13; Jenny Craig, age 15; Chemotherapy, age 17; $10 Bribes, age 18; South Beach, age 27. During any gaps, assume that severe caloric restriction or unholy amounts of exercise or both were happening (usually both).
2. WTF
3. 212, 279, 191, 257, 311, 241, 334.
4. 11
5. Gynecologist and GP; it’s happened more than once.
6. These days, that’s a trick question. (Previously: 5.)
7. All these answers have an equal probability of being correct. I currently have 3 separate health concerns for which I have not yet seen a doctor.
8. Any. (If it were me, I’d go to the Seychelles.)
9. Any.
10. Any, although to be honest I didn’t actually do the math. It’s a lot, though.
Michelle Weber is the cofounder and editor-in-chief of Pipe Wrench, and has been recommended weight loss in response to a broken elbow, bronchitis, a herniated disk, and more than one ear infection. She tweets, mainly palaver, @michelleinchief.
Her last piece for Pipe Wrench Was “In the Dark, I’m Not Fat and You’re Not Mean.”
previous
Field Notes from a Fatty
Athia Choudhury
next
The Story of Your Body
Caroline Moore
